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How
To Find The Facilities
and
(always get there first)
For Best Results: Keep
out-of-order sign handy.
Do you have a problem finding the facilities until you really need to use them?
Do you suddenly discover every tourist in
your town lined up at the same facility you just chose to use? Do you wish
you knew exactly where the closest NOT “out of order” facility was located
at any given moment, should you need to avail yourself of its appliances?
Search no more, my friend. I, your ever increasingly wise advisor
will enlighten you about the secrets of discerning the closest facility to your
present location, wherever that may be. Of
course, you must obey certain rules without fail.
This goes without saying, I’m sure.
Naturally you, astute reader that you are, can see the wisdom of always
following my guidelines, so I know you will memorize each one. (refer to the rules).
Materials
Needed:
Map of mall and parking
lot
Goggles
Extermination equipment
Fly Swatter
Bribe money
STEP 1:
Avoid thinking about the Big Super King Maximum Thirst Quencher from your
favorite convenience mart and how your gut sloshes with 3 liters of flat soda
while you cruise the local mall parking garage for a parking spot.
By
the time you slammed on the last speed bump, debarked the final pot hole (only
there because you need to “use it”), and swerved into a semi-legal space,
the lower half of your body has threatened to go on strike until you relieve
yourself of chronic sodus loggius.
Reassure
various body parts that help is on the way.
Note
to self:
Wrong
map.
STEP 2:
Precariously
waddle up and down the various flights of stairs that lead to the entrance
indicated by the flashing sign.
Note that although most parking
garage entrances lead to department stores, Your entrance
is near the back of the mall opposite the store with the restroom.
You might find a facility in the mall proper, but it probably is either
out of order or severely overcrowded.
Your best chance is to find the nearest department store.
Note
to self:
Avoid
king sized drinks.
STEP 3:
Look for the neon
information blue print or refer to your unabridged notebook. (see rule #1.) Once you are in the mall, look for the
mid-class department store. However,
if the department store only has one or two floors, forget it. Mall policy dictates that facilities may
only be located in departments stores with at least three floors, preferably
six. This is so that you have to
float the elevator to the restroom and conserve energy.
Note
to self: Bring
unabridged notebook.
STEP 4
Once
you find a mid-class department store with at least three floors, you are ready
to find the elevator/escalator.
Every mall has a rule that mid-class department stores locate their
facilities at the back of the floor located furthest from the most obvious
entrance.
Of course, if you entered the store from a third floor entrance, you will
have to take the stairs, escalator, or elevator up one or two more floors.
Note
to self:
Update
unabridged notebook.
STEP 5:
Now that you found the correct floor,
you must solve the puzzle, work the maze, and find the end of the line. Your path will probably take you left
from the elevator or escalator, and around the ties.  Now turn left again. Follow the carpet along the shoe
department. Turn right. Walk past the furniture and circle the
refrigerators (keeping to your right) until you see the parts department. If you wend your way thru the parts
department, catalog, and layaway, you will see another flight of stairs. Walk up
the flight of stairs while holding your knees together, keeping your fingers
crossed, and reciting self-control mantras.
Wasn’t that a breeze? Now
look at the stream of people and walk along until you get to the end of the
line. You are there. The end of the line to the facilities!
Note
to self: Bring
gas mask next time.
STEP 6:
Hold it tight until you
get to the front of the line unless you have a handy trick ready from your
reading and memorization of my handy rules for “getting there first.”
Note
to self: Bring extra "disposables."
AHHHH! Don't you feel much better? | 
Scatterbrain Facilities