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Ten
Easy Steps to a Quick Clean House
and
(a sure fire
plan to redecorate)
For Best Results:
Add
one cup of sugar and two large eggs to final rinse.
Your mother-in-law
just called to let you know she plans to drop
in for a short visit in two days. Your
children took over your house and turned your neat little Cottage on the Green
into Tornado Cabin #3. What can you
do now? You visit your favorite
advisor to learn the latest technology for removing unnecessary household items.
To work more effectively
you need a
plan of action that works with great speed to completion. Heed the advice of the acclaimed Mrs.
Brain, and gather a few items.
Materials
Needed:
One car with full tank of gas.
Cash from your
insurance claim for last month’s fire.
Negotiation tactics tip book.
Budget plan workbook.
One kid.
One dog.
One mother-in-law.
One garbage can kept outdoors.
One garage.
One neighbor’s yard, just in case.
STEP 1:
Get in the car and navigate the one-way streets (refer to previous
article). Pull in to your
favorite super deluxe econo-sizers home improvement store or your local VacsRus.
Note
to self:
Better
yet--call for directions instead.
STEP 2:
Pick out the 150-gallon canister style wet-dry weather shock therapy
electrical breakdown tornado hurricane volcano proof vacuum. Pay for your purchase by using your no
fault insurance claim money acquired after last month’s fire.
Note
to self:
The
150 gallon size was too small.
STEP 3: 
Assemble your new vacuum according to the
instructions provided. Point arrow
up. Secure
wheels in a locked position. Place
assembled vacuum on front porch just outside the door.
Note
to self: Bring
unabridged notebook.
STEP 4
Find a free outlet from
behind the tangle of cords leading to and from the video games, video-cassette
recorders, television sets, phone lines, computer work centers, space module
displays, kitchen appliances, electrical science projects, and the pizza grill
in the center of the floor.
Note
to self:
Find
a stronger cord and install more outlets.
STEP 5:
Brace
yourself against your front door frame and point large end of hose toward center
of room. Prepare to watch out for stray missiles
Note
to self: Stop
by ER and have mystery object dislodged from face.
STEP 6:
Pull
safety (in spite of tornado, volcano, electrical storm, and chemical explosion)
goggles over eyes and flip switch.
Note
to self: Wrong switch.
STEP 7
Suck
clutter, last year’s pizza boxes, this week’s budget covered in baby magic,
boy scout badges that your snotty neighbor’s cousin left behind the furnace,
worn couch cushions, stray cats, alien space ships, and last year’s science
project through your hose until your house is neat as an accountant’s ledger.
Note
to self:
Oops!
STEP 8
Unplug. Tote vacuum to outdoor garbage can. Remove hose from suction side and hook
to blower. Plug cord into outlet above washer.
Point hose into garbage can and brace yourself against the garage. Flip the switch again.
Note
to self:
Not
again!
STEP 9
Convince
your spouse to go shopping for new furniture, dishes, food, clothing, a ceiling
fan, light bulbs, and the heaviest wide screen that his favorite hot stop has to
offer.
Also request delivery of a new computer,
printer/scanner/fax/copier/children minder, and remote control door slammer.
While you are at it, buy a new house.
Note
to self:
Forgot
toilet tissue.
STEP 10
Hire a maid from the Spinning Clean For You
agency.
Note
to self: Spinning Clean for You
was bought out by Not
On Your Life.
Now
you can enjoy the good life in your Quick Clean house without slaving for days. You can fit a round of golf, a night of
dancing at Bennie’s al Fresco. Never
mind that you have no money to take advantage of all this free time.
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Scatterbrain House