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How
To Rid Your House of Pests
or
(at least charge them rentl)
For Best Results: Add
a touch of honey and lemon.
You tried everything,
or nearly everything, and the varmints still crawl
across your floor
in the middle of the night. They swarm
across your floors, nasty up your counters, and steal that last slice of pizza
you wanted to save for tomorrow’s lunch. What are you
going to do? You
are going to say goodbye to them once and for all. Mrs. Brain
will show you how.
Materials Needed:
Pliers
Wire
Loaf of bread
Pat of butter
Crock pot
Contract
Baby pictures
Iron Mask
STEP 1:
Identify Varmint.
Look for tails, fur, legs, antennae, “keep out” signs, sounds of
slamming doors, evidence of constant bathing, or scent of “needs to.”
Note
to self: Buy new
copy of “Vermin and Freeloaders.”
STEP 2:
Find
all trails.
Look for lines of breadcrumbs, tiny holes, pizza crust under the bed, and
squeaking.
Note
to self: What
happened to the shampoo?
STEP 3:
Prepare traps and bait.
This step can be tricky.
Bigger pests will bypass signs with tongs, or other handy items to reach
the leftover pizza.
You may have to rig your fridge.
Meanwhile, you can place poisoned peanut butter on glue traps behind your
pipes.
Naturally you want to check these traps once a month.
Note
to self: Don't put
glue in the freezer.
STEP 4
Prepare
burial ground carefully.
You want to honor the dead after all.
Think about the relatives of ant #5,693,305,192,496,294,134.
For larger vermin, use a heavy tombstone to block the front door.
That will teach them to move back.
Note
to self: Every
ant does NOT need a separate tombstone.
STEP 5:
Wear proper mourning attire while you sweep and mop.
Note
to self: The
veil was a little much.
STEP 6:
Spray house with ammonia top to bottom.
Seal for a month.
You may have to move to a motel, but your house will be rid of pests.
Note
to self: Might as well buy a new wardrobe. The ammonia
ate thru everything else.
All you have left to do is seal the entry points and extra
bedrooms. If that child really
wants to move in, show him the contract. Piece
of cake! Really! After six months of renting from Monster
of Landlord Central, he will find his own place to infest. | 
Scatterbrain Expunging