Rule #1

Keep your unabridged notebook available.  Continuously update it with the most recent blue prints for every mall, restaurant, store, theme park, and transportation system you might consider frequenting in the near or far distant future.  

Rule #2

Map escape routes with bus, rail, cruise, and flight managers.  This habit will ensure you always know where the facility is on land, sea, and air.  Everyone knows the escape route always begins at the bathroom
 

Rule #3

Avoid the red line.  Red lines lead to bad places in hospitals and veterinary clinics, often ending with sudden injections in the opposite end with sharp objects.

Rule #4

Never giggle obsequiously while searching for the facility, especially in a mall or expensive restaurant.  All true sophisticates know that this means a prank is in the works and will suddenly make a beeline at speeds surpassing those used on the German Autobahn to make sure they do their business before you can enter to do yours.  

Rule #5

In case of an extreme emergency, lean over the most expensive item in the store and exaggerate gagging motions.  Security and management personnel will whisk you to their personal “executive washroom” hidden behind the jewelry counter, or in the case of a restaurant, the dessert bar.  Don’t try this gimmick too often.

Rule #6

Keep a pair of training pants visible.  If possible, bring a fully toilet trained preschooler around.  Nothing sends you to the head of the little boys’ and girls’ line like a very young child squeezing his knees with a pained expression.

Rule #7

On the Interstate, always look for the signs with a knife, fork, and spoon.  If you find a picture of a man, woman, or any other such icon you will discover the place is out of order, stinky, and most likely elicits reactions from your body that the movie industry considers rated R.

Rule #8

Carry a large can of bug spray and a personal gas mask.  This will ensure you immediate access to any facility you choose, even ones normally considered off limits.

Rule #9

Last, and possibly most importantly, remember your last resort: ask the information manager.  This person hides behind a big desk and tries to look important in a ridiculous uniform.  Of course, this is a no fail trick, because the restroom is usually situated in a straight line from this person’s chair.

Now you are fore-informed, fore-warned, and fore-armed, However, I got here first.