|
How
To Winterize Your Yard
and
(decorate for autumn celebrations)
For Best Results: Pop one sheet of bubble wrap during each rest break.
Your
jungle wilts against
your fence and harbors fugitive leaves from your neighbor's trees. What do
you do now? Sit calmly with your pen and notebook so Mrs. Brain may guide
you through the finer points of Operation Winterization & Outdoor
Cleanup. Never
fear because a repeat read of this very informative article is merely
a click away.
Materials Needed:
Saw, hatchet, axe, or scythe
Grim Reaper
mask
Bright orange gloves, any material
One rusty shovel
Burlap
Neversporin first aid cream
Bags and bags
of mulch
STEP 1
Find all the whispy things that blow. Those are WEEDS sent by
aliens to harrass you until you surrender to galactic insanity. Pull them out, scream at their roots, and
stomp on the ground around them. Make
sure you scare them properly or they shall return. Slice and dice the dirt so that all weed roots are tortured
beyond recognition. If you are a member
of Gardener's Against Weed Roots (GAWR),
then review the chapter on weed interrogation.
Otherwise, call your local garden police.
Note to
self: OUCH!
Step
2
Rake weed refuse into a pile. Bag quickly and throw into a secured garbage can before spy roots
escape and infiltrate your garden front.
Break up all dirt between plants and add bark mulch, meow mulch, and
lamb's wool.
Note
to self: Remove lamb from wool.
Step
3
Prune bushes and perennials. Slant axe so cuts face the way you want the plant to grow. Cut
away brown matter, and protect innocent green matter. Hack away at green matter that commits crime of fences. Avoid
grey matter at all costs. Add another
layer of mulch.
Note to self: What do I do with the
purple matter?
Step
4
Rake deadwood pruned from bushes and plants. Rake remaining leaves from around trees and
make sure all thorny stuff gets bagged before removing gloves. Mulch across the yard and let grassroots
breathe. Fill doggy holes and dugspots
with topsoil and mulch.
Note to self: OUCH!
Step
5
Cover temperature sensitive plants with burlap. Sew faces to scare small animals and strange
children. Cover with mulch to prevent
burlap from breaking loose.
Note to
self: Leave Mother-in-law's face
off burlap.
Step
6
Look for sidewalk cracks, wall cracks, and wise
cracks. Paste with cement. Cover with mulch. Wrap caution tape as appropriate around trespassers and fence
posts.
Note to self: Cement trespassers.
Step
7
Spray snow in all the windows to keep your house
warm. Sometimes this will also prevent
leaks, even though it may clog your lungs.
Add mulch.
Note to self: Snow
makes radiators spit.
Step
8
Read a manual about winter and what to do when you don't know what to do. Bury
it in mulch.
Note to self: Find mulch in
dictionary.
Now you are ready
to hang lights around what is left of your bushes and trees, stuff leaves into
bags with harvest designs, and flood your yard with straw and pumpkins. Maybe you should pay one of the neighborhood
bullies to hang around and scare crows.
| 
Scatterbrain Winterization